


True Care, Truth Brings

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Drama, First Times, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 07:38:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/795538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim goes primal.  Blair gets confused.  The guys get together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	True Care, Truth Brings

## True Care, Truth Brings

by Carin the Rottie

This story is not beta'd. Feedback is appreciated. It's my first time posting. Be gentle.

* * *

Jim could hear the humming as soon as he pulled up in front of their building. His grip on the steering wheel eased and his shoulders unknotted. Idly, he wondered how much more intense the effect would be if they were actually lovers. His black mood returned with a vengeance, as he had to remind himself once again that they never were, weren't, and couldn't possibly be together that way. With a frustrated sigh, he yanked the keys out of the ignition and trudged up the stairs to the loft. Figures, the damn elevator would be broken again. 

"Hey, Jim," Blair greeted him happily from the kitchen, where Jim could smell that he was preparing that Asian stir-fry dish he absolutely loved. 

Jim grunted at him on his way up the stairs. 

"I guess you had a pretty shitty day," Blair called up after him. 

He was forced to grin at the fact that his roommate and partner knew him so well. 

"You could say that," he answered, feeling more generous with his words in the face of his friend's good mood. 

"Want to tell me about it?" Blair asked. 

For the first time, or maybe he was just really hearing it for the first time, Jim detected the slight elevation in his guide's heart rate and smelled the taint of anxiety that accompanied the question. He knew that he wasn't the most open person in the world. He had had numerous friends and lovers tell him as much. It hurt him to think that Blair was even afraid to ask him if he wanted to talk about something. _No big surprise there, Ellison, you practically rip him a new one any time he does._ Ashamed of himself, he decided that he would make an effort to share things more often with his guide. After all, if he couldn't have physical intimacy with the other man, then he might as well have the emotional connection. At least that way he could add a new depth to his ever-increasing fantasies. Yet one more thing to be ashamed about. He knew he shouldn't be using Blair that way, but he was just too weak to help himself. _You're disgusting,_ he thought to himself and jogged back downstairs, plastering a warm smile on his face. 

"Hey," he said, greeting his friend properly. "Sorry I was such an ass when I came in." 

"No problem, man. We all have our days, you know." And the kid smiled so brightly at him, he had to clench his hands on his own thighs to stop himself for reaching for the other man, holding that light close to his heart. 

"Well, I think this 'day' counts as a week of 'days' for me. You would not believe the shit I have to put up with in that department. First, when I get in, Simon calls me into his office, right, and he's looking all apologetic, like he just sat on my hamster or something, and he sits me down and hands me a cup of his really expensive Ethiopian coffee..." 

"That stuff is heaven, man. It must have been pretty bad for him to part with even that much," Blair interrupted, turning off the stove to sit and give Jim his full attention. 

"Yeah, well anyway. I knew it was bad so I just told him to spit it out already and he proceeds to tell me that because of the budget cuts the mayor is passing, he has to do what amounts to some fancy footwork to make sure his department comes in under the wire. Then, he proceeds to inform me that to accomplish this, since I am one of the highest paid detectives on his roster, I'm going to be officially 'on loan' to Vice for the next six months. Can you believe that?" 

He paused, but judging by the shocked look on his partner's face, he wasn't going to get any kind of response. Jim wondered over to the couch and fell into it. Blair followed. 

"I asked him why couldn't one of the other guys do it, and he says, and I could feel him blushing from all the way across his desk, that because he owed Captain Morris a 'favor' he let that nimrod choose which one of us he wanted. And if that isn't enough, he says he's not sure if he can get clearance for you to work over there since you're officially working with Major Crimes." 

"Shit," Blair said. 

_And that,_ Jim thought, _pretty much sums it up, Chief_. 

"Yeah," he agreed out loud, finally running out of steam, although the frustrated look on his face belied all the words he could find no voice for. 

"This is crap, Jim. I mean, he knows about the shit you went through before and he's just gonna' let this deranged lunatic get his hands on you. I don't think so, man. I'm going in there tomorrow..." 

"Whoa, whoa," Jim interrupted, holding up a hand, "slow down there, junior. It's a done deal. Paperwork's been signed. Besides, there's no arguing with the mayor, you know. And Morris is not deranged. A lunatic maybe, but not deranged. He's a hell of a lot better than the asshole I was working for before the transfer, okay?" 

Jim was amazed at his own change in attitude. He wanted to say more to comfort the kid, but he found himself stunned at his own about face. Five minutes ago, he was ready to rip Simon's throat out for doing this to him and now here he was trying to save Blair's ass by keeping him from doing that very thing. Amazing. _Oh, you have it bad._ The little voice in his head goaded. _Shut up._ Jim thought darkly, wondering how he was going to keep from doing something stupid if the kid kept doing totally endearing things like throwing himself in the line of fire with his boss to defend him from the evils of the Vice department. 

"I don't like this, Jim," Blair said, frowning so hard there were actually small wrinkles at the corners of his mouth. 

Jim thought he looked unbearably cute, and had to repress a wistful sigh. 

"I know, Chief, but it looks like there's nothing we can do but tough it out. The good thing, if there can be a good thing, about all of this is that because I'm essentially transferring departments, Simon gave me a week off paid vacation to 'get me stuff together'. Personally, I think he felt guilty as hell for putting me in this position." 

Jim got up off the couch, ruffling his friend's hair on his way to the kitchen. The conversation was apparently over. Blair frowned again. He hated when Jim did that. He was really worried and his partner acted like it was no big deal. Like the threat of being separated from his guide on the job for six months was just a minor inconvenience and not a potential disaster. _After everything we've been through together doesn't he understand that sometimes I know what's best? Especially when it comes to his senses._

He was just about to work himself up into a really good argument when the phone rang. _Saved by the bell, big guy. But you better believe this discussion is not over._ Blair listened as Jim answered the phone and then glanced at him apologetically. _Oh well, what's another dinner alone?_ Blair stopped his mind at that so sharply that he was sure that if his life had a soundtrack, he would have heard screeching tires. _Why do I sound like a disgruntled spouse? The guy's my roommate, not my life-mate. Blair, my man, you need to get laid._ And that was his final thought on the matter as he listened halfheartedly while Jim apologized for running out. 

"I'm really sorry, Chief. I know you fixed that stir fry stuff with the curry I like so much, but Simon's one man short and Brown really needs an extra pair of eyes for this stakeout." 

"I thought you were on vacation," Blair said, sounding much more annoyed than he wanted to. "Starts on Monday," Jim said with a sigh. "One more day and I'm all yours." 

And if Blair didn't know Jim any better he was sure the other man was hoping he'd forbid him from going. He was starting to get seriously weirded out by this whole situation. As soon as Jim was out the door, he pulled out his planner and flipped back to the address book. There was a fabulously endowed TA in the Biology department that he'd been chatting up for weeks now. Maybe if he went out with her instead of waiting up for Jim like he normally did, he could get some perspective. 

* * *

Jim was exhausted. He hated night-shift stakeouts, but he hated night-shift stakeouts without Blair even more. At least the elevator was fixed. He leaned against the wall as he rode up to the third floor. As he got off the elevator, he tried to use his hearing to locate his guide, but he couldn't find his heart beat in the loft, or the building for that matter. An irrational stab of anger twisted in his gut at the thought that his roommate wasn't home waiting up for him. Glancing at his watch, he saw that it was almost four in the morning and wondered where in the hell Blair could be at this hour. Then the obvious answer to that question put him in an even fouler mood. _He's out fucking some gorgeous co-ed, like he's never going to be fucking you so you might as well give it up and content yourself with your pathetic jerk-off fantasies. That's about the size of it._ The dismal thoughts did nothing to dispel the bone-deep weariness. It seemed that tonight, even jerking-off was an impossibility. 

* * *

The slamming of the loft door and his partner's muffled curse woke him two hours later. 

"Do you mind Sandburg?" The annoyance and weariness evident in his voice. 

"Sorry, sorry," Blair whispered, stumbling a little on his way to his room, not turning on the lights in deference to his sentinel. 

Jim looked at the clock and groaned. _Where has he been all night?_ As if in answer to his mental question, Jim's senses tuned unerringly in to his guide. The first thing he noticed was the smell. Blair smelled like liquor, unusual because his partner never drank anything stronger than beer. And underneath the smell of liquor, he smelled pheromones, both Blair's and someone else's. Jim growled low in his throat. He tried to reign in his sense of smell, to dial it down, but it was as if instinct had taken over and he just had to know whom his guide had been with and what he'd been doing. He sniffed again; Blair's shampoo, conditioner, hair-gel, aftershave, lady's perfume, four different kinds of liquor, semen (also Blair's), another scent that he could only identify as 'female', and below it all there was something that disturbed him even more. The smell was one that he had smelled on his guide before in more concentrated amounts when he arrived in the bullpen after a night out and had that smugly satisfied I-just-got-laid look on his face. He had simply labeled it as Blair's after-sex-smell. 

Later, Blair tried to make him feel better by rationalizing his actions as the product of too much frustration and not enough sleep, but at the time all he could think of was that someone had been touching his guide, giving him pleasure, and it had definitely not been him. A feeling grew inside of him. It felt like a star was exploding in his brain, leaving a black hole of space devoid of any rational thought. An empty space that could only be filled by his guide. He needed his guide. He had to have his guide, now. Blair probably would have come up with some great theory as to why this was happening now, and how it had to do with Jim being a throwback, but the animal part of him didn't give a shit about theories or scruples or morals or consequences. It wanted to take what belonged to it. It wanted to prove its virility and its worth in the eyes of its mate. 

His nostrils flared, scenting the guide, filtering out the scents of the stranger to focus on his mate's essence, letting it arouse him further. He was rock hard and dripping by the time he made it down stairs. At Blair's door he stopped. There was a small voice in his mind screaming at him not to do this, to get a grip on himself, that Blair would never forgive him, never let him touch him again, that he would leave and never come back. But the sentinel, the primitive part of him, only knew that the mate belonged to him and the rules of nature required the other's submission. His exhausted brain didn't have the strength to fight that instinct. 

The sentinel stepped into the dark room, scenting his mate, watching him sleeping fully clothed on his bed. The guide was on his stomach, ready to be taken. His thick hair spread on the pillow beside him, face turned to the wall. He approached the bed, placing one large hand on the side of the guide's head, holding him there. The guide didn't stir. The influence of liquor and little sleep keeping him unaware of the danger he was in. The sentinel placed one knee on the bed, being careful not to jostle the younger man too much, and swung the other leg over so he was straddling the smaller form. His growling became a study thrum in the back of his throat and he felt the saliva collecting in his mouth. He had to mark the guide. He bent slowly, keeping his left hand firmly on his guide's head, and used his right to sweep the long hair away from his mate's throat. He groaned as he placed his mouth directly over the pulse point, sealing it there and sucking hard. 

* * *

Blair couldn't believe how drunk he was. Sharon really did know how to party. He just hoped that he wouldn't have to do it again any time soon. He didn't think he could take much more of that. Shaking his head ruefully, he accepted that he wasn't twenty-one anymore. Pushing thirty was not the time to be testing ones tolerance for hard liquor. He winced as he shut the door a little too hard and then apologized when he heard his sentinel's grumpy admonition. All he wanted right now was to pee and go to sleep. He barely made it from the bathroom to his bed before he passed out. 

The first thing that registered when he emerged fuzzily from sleep was that he couldn't move his head. His eyes flew open, thinking he'd been kidnapped or drugged yet again, but he settled a little when he realized that he was in his room, on his bed. But his relief was short-lived when he realized that he wasn't dreaming the big hand holding him down or the painful sucking of a mouth at his neck. 

"Shit!" He yelled into the mattress, trying to struggle out from under the crushing weight of his attacker. 

"Be still," a voice ordered. Jim's voice. 

"Jim, man," he said, laughing a little, too drunk to realize Jim wasn't in his right mind, "what are you doing?" 

"Be quiet," Jim said, his voice rough. 

The hand on his head pushed him further into the mattress. Panic was fast returning. He didn't know what was up with Jim, but this certainly wasn't normal behavior. 

"Jim, you've got to get off me man," he said, using his best guide voice, trying to calm himself enough to make it work. 

Jim grunted and continued to suck on his neck. He was sure he would have a hickey the size of Texas tomorrow. 

"Come on, man. I don't know what's up with you, but we need to figure this out okay? We can't do that if you won't stop with the vampire act." 

Jim's mouth released his neck. 

"Thank God," Blair said, to the room at large. "Now just let me up, okay?" 

Jim didn't move. Instead, he wormed his right hand underneath his pliant mate and began to unbutton his shirt. 

Blair was nearly hysterical. If he couldn't get Jim to let him go he didn't think he could ever get him to forgive himself for what he was about to do. Blair was sure that any pain he would go through would be minimal compared with the guilt Jim would feel at having forced himself on his best friend. This thought fortified him and he took several deep breaths, forcing his body to relax as much as he could. Then he tried his guide voice again. 

"Jim, listen to my voice. I know you're in there somewhere man. Just come back to me, okay? You've got to snap out of this or we're both going to be in serious trouble." 

Jim was trying to get his shirt off now, frustrated at his mate's lack of cooperation. He yanked the cloth down his guide's arms and threw it on the floor, grunting in satisfaction at the smooth skin that was revealed. Blair shivered, feeling more exposed than he could ever remember being. 

"Oh, please, Jim. You've got to listen to me, man. You're really gonna' regret this in the morning, man. Why don't you let me go now so we can just laugh this off and go back to bed, okay? I won't even make you talk about it," he said, playing his trump card. "We can pretend it never happened." He had no intention of letting Jim off that easy, but he was getting desperate. The sentinel was working on his jeans now. 

Once again, Jim totally ignored his pleas. 

* * *

He could smell his mate even better when his clothes were off. The guide didn't smell aroused, but he didn't smell afraid either, not really, more anxious than afraid. That was okay. The guide was supposed to be claimed by the sentinel. It had to be done for the pair to survive. He continued to work at getting the other man's jeans off. 

* * *

Blair wasn't sure what he was going to do if Jim didn't stop. He wasn't stupid, he knew exactly where this was headed. He also knew that he was no physical match for the specially trained man on top of him, especially now that it seemed Jim's brain had taken leave of his body. It felt like the guy was ten times stronger than normal. 

Cold air blew over his ass, raising goose bumps. The sentinel worked the jeans down as far as he could without taking his hand off of Blair's head, then seemed to have a dilemma when he couldn't quite get them all the way off. He was growling with frustration, trying to use his feet to push the offending garment away. Finally succeeding, Jim let out a sound that could only be described at a howl of triumph. Blair shivered. 

Then Jim leaned down and began to scent him, smelling his hair and nuzzling his neck. Blair relaxed a little. At least the man wasn't being rough with him. But he couldn't allow Jim to do this, he just knew that it would destroy their friendship, even if Blair felt he could forgive his friend, he knew Jim too well to think that he could forgive himself. 

"Jim," Blair whispered, "could you get off me please? I know you don't want to do this. This is just some weird response to my pheromones or something. You've got to fight it. You've got to try and control it" 

The bigger man wasn't responding at all, he just continued his methodical examination of his guide. Oddly enough, Blair wasn't afraid of his sentinel. He knew instinctively that Jim wouldn't hurt him seriously, even in this weird fugue state he seemed to be in. He knew it wouldn't do him any good to panic. It would probably just upset Jim, and then he would have an even harder time reaching the man. He let Jim continue while he tried to think of something. Nothing was coming to mind though and the sentinel was getting more insistent in his exploration. 

A big arm wrapped itself around his waist and hauled him up until he was perched on his knees with his face smashed into the mattress by Jim's hand. And although he had known intellectually what it was Jim wanted, being in this position, vulnerable, ass in the air, feeling the other man's hard cock rubbing his cleft brought it all crashing down on him. His rational, 21st century mind took over instantly. Grabbing the reigns away from the Guide and wildly spurring his body into action. His gut clenched and all his muscles stiffened as he felt Jim's fingers probing him. He tried to struggle, but this only seemed to urge Jim on and he felt the tip of one blunt digit push past the outer ring of muscles. 

"Oh, God," he moaned, trying to pretend none of this was happening. He wasn't being confronted with some weird primal side of his sentinel. He wasn't here, ass up in his own bed, being raped by his best friend. He didn't know he'd started crying until he felt the dampness on the mattress under his head. 

"Jim, please," he choked out, hoping his emotional distress would discourage his sentinel. 

"Mine," Jim grunted, pushing the finger the rest of the way into Blair's ass. He wasn't using lubricant and even that small intrusion felt like sandpaper on his insides. Jim's cock would rip him apart. 

Now he was sobbing uncontrollably, clenching against the invader, trying to dislodge the hand on his head, not caring that he was practically being scalped in the process. Jim yanked his finger out, grabbing onto Blair's hip, trying to keep him still. Blair saw his opportunity. Tensing all his muscles, he lunged backwards as hard as he could, his tailbone connected squarely with Jim's groin. The sentinel howled and jerked back from the guide, losing his balance and falling gracelessly off the bed and onto the floor. 

* * *

The stillness that followed was filled only with the sounds of Jim's harsh, groaning breaths and Blair's sobs, which he was fast controlling now that it appeared Jim wasn't going to retaliate. He couldn't turn his head to look at his friend though. He was afraid he wouldn't see his Jim there. He was afraid he would see the other, the sentinel who had tried to claim him. 

* * *

The red fog lifted from Jim's brain and he clutched at his abused groin, penis now soft from the intensity of the pain. He was lying on his side on Blair's floor and he could here the other man sobbing on his bed, trying to be quiet. He could smell the stench of fear rolling off his guide in waves. He slowly sat up, shaking his head, not quite sure what had happened, knowing only that he had somehow scared his roommate. Crawling slowly over to the bed, he reached out a gentle hand and placed it on the other man's bare shoulder. 

"Blair?" He was sure the anthropologist would have an explanation for this. He always did, but first he had to figure out what he had done to make the other man cry like that. He had never really seen Blair cry. It was scaring him. 

When Blair felt the big, warm hand on his shoulder he couldn't help the involuntary scream that erupted. Almost against his will, he rolled and scooted back so that he huddled in the corner of his bed, back against the wall. He kept yanking the covers over himself as if more layers meant better protection. 

Jim heard Blair's scream and jerked his hand back as if he'd been shot. He watched in shocked detachment as his best friend retreated into a corner, cowering there and staring at him as if he was the worst kind of monster. And he figured it out. 

"Oh, God." His voice sounded rough, unused. "Oh, dear God what did I do to you, Blair?" The sentinel couldn't bear words any longer. He needed to comfort his mate, but every time he tried to get closer to the younger man, he flinched and Jim was at a loss as to what to do to make this better. _There's nothing you can do, you sick fuck. You probably just raped your partner. You might as well go turn yourself in before he has to suffer the humiliation of doing it for you._

"I'm sorry." He said, the words sounded hollow even to him. "I'm so sorry, Blair. I didn't mean... I would never..." _But you did, didn't you?_ "Please." The last plea was so defeated, so broken, that Blair lifted his head, no longer able to ignore the pain of his sentinel. Two sets of anguished blue eyes met. Both of them begging forgiveness. 

And Jim knew he was a coward. Because what he should have done was to call Simon right then, confess what he had done and have the man haul him away. Or better yet he should have gotten up, retrieved his service revolver from his nightstand drawer and ended his miserable excuse for a life. But he didn't do either of these things. Because no matter how awful, how utterly sick he was, he didn't have to courage to leave his guide. After all of this, he loved Blair even more, and now his punishment would be that Blair would hate him and even worse than that, fear him. With a strangled sob, he launched himself off of the floor, trying to ignore the way the other man ducked and tried to hide, and ran across the hall into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. 

* * *

The panic was gone, the fear was gone. All that was left was a profound sense of confusion and sorrow. Blair heard the retching sounds coming from the bathroom. He felt horrible that Jim was so disgusted with what he had done. He knew that the other man was being much harder on himself than Blair could ever be. But he couldn't make himself go to his sentinel. Not yet. Not while his mind was still reeling with what might have happened. Wondering if somehow this was his fault. Maybe some sentinel/guide thing he had missed. Or maybe he had goaded Jim in some way, flaunting all those women in his face like that, trying to prove something. _Trying to prove what, Blair? Maybe that you aren't gay. That you haven't been lusting after your partner for the past six months. Well, you see what denial got you._ The voice in his head forced a sob out of him that turned into two that turned into three hours of the sound of his grief warring for dominance over the sound of Jim's disgust. Eventually, both men fell asleep. 

* * *

The morning dawned with a brightness that belied the dark mood in the loft. Blair stirred slowly. The first thing he noticed was that his face was crusty from tears and snot, yuck. The second thing he noticed was that he was naked, which was strange because he had remembered passing out with all his clothes on. Then came the inevitable headache that accompanied a night of conspicuous consumption. He groaned loudly, then froze as he remembered what had happened after he had passed out in his bed, fully dressed. His sentinel had gone completely crazy and tried to rape him. Groaning again for a completely different reason, the mild throbbing in his head threatening to turn into a migraine, he debated simply rolling over and going back to sleep. Surely if he just slept long enough, all this shit would just go away. The sound of the bathroom door opening pulled him to full awareness. He felt himself beginning to panic at the prospect of having to face his roommate. But Jim didn't come to his door. There were no more tearful apologies or self-recriminations from the sentinel. He didn't hear the other man leave the loft, but he knew he couldn't stay in his room forever, especially since his bladder didn't seem to have any compunction about possibly facing a crazed Neanderthal. 

_Well, here goes nothing._ Heaving himself up into a sitting position, he clutched at his throbbing head for a few seconds, rocking slowly, trying to breath through his nose. _Damn, that hurts. I forgot how bad these migraines were._ When he felt like he could move without puking all over his bed, he scooted to the edge and stood unsteadily. Looking around, he spotted his boxers, still nested in his jeans on the floor where Jim had discarded them. Pulling them on, and feeling absurdly comforted by the shelter of the thin cotton, he moved slowly to his door, opening it and peaking out with one eye. No sign of Jim. _Must be upstairs brooding_ , he thought. The bathroom was empty. He relieved his bladder first, then decided that he would delay the inevitable by taking a shower. By the time he emerged, he was hoping that Jim would have left for work. No such luck. His roommate's jacket was still there and his keys still in the basket. Sighing heavily, he gazed up at the loft bedroom. It didn't appear that the other man had any intention of discussing this like a rational person. Shaking his head, he went into the kitchen and was surprised to find that he was ravenous. He spent and inordinate amount of time toasting a bagel, spreading cream cheese and slicing tomatoes. Once breakfast was eaten however, there was nothing left to do and he had to be at the U in twenty minutes for his first appointment. 

"Jim?" He called, trying to sound normal. 

No answer. 

"Jim, I know you're up there, man. Come on, at least answer so I know you're not zoning or something," he said, feeling guilty that he couldn't make himself go up and check on his distraught sentinel. 

There was a loud rustle of covers. _Well, it will have to do for now._

"Okay, I'm going now. If you need anything I have my phone." After a pause, he decided that he needed to at least reassure the other man that he wasn't really scarred by what had happened. "Look, man, I know you feel really awful about what happened last night, but I want you to know that it's okay. I mean, it's not okay that you attacked me, but I know that wasn't really you. I know you would never intentionally hurt me. And when I get home tonight, we are going to talk about this, okay? We need to figure this out so it doesn't happen again." 

Still no response. 

"Well, goodbye then," he called, pulling on his jacket and heading out the door. 

* * *

He knew he wouldn't get any actual work done, worrying about Jim like he was, but he needed to get out of the loft to think clearly and the U was the one other place where he felt totally secure and free to be himself. Leaning back in his chair, he put his feet up on his desk and made himself go over the events of the night before. They were kind of hazy due to the fact that he had been totally smashed at the time, but his mind still recalled vividly the feeling of that one finger that had breeched him and the amount of terror it had instilled. _What would I have done if I hadn't been able to stop him? Could I have forgiven him? Would it have ruined our friendship?_ He needed to seriously evaluate those questions in order to decide if he felt able to risk returning to the loft and Jim as a roommate. He shifted in his seat. He felt no physical pain from the assault. Even though the big bruise on his head and the ones on his hips looked bad, they didn't hurt. And the hickey was embarrassing but not painful. He felt no lingering pain from where he had suffered those few seconds of physical connection either. The point was, he wasn't damaged. And other than being a little humiliated and a lot embarrassed and maybe a tad angry at himself for not seeing something like this coming, he didn't feel emotionally damaged either. The fact was, he still trusted Jim, and he couldn't just leave the man without giving him the benefit of the doubt. At the vary least he should go back and talk to his sentinel to find out what the hell had happened to trigger the attack. 

Mind made up; Blair prepared to return to the loft, momentarily deriding himself for leaving at all. A stab of fear went through him when he remembered the utterly devastated look in Jim's eyes when the man had drawn the incorrect conclusion that he had raped his partner. Feeling even worse for not clearing up that little misunderstanding, he picked up his pace, grabbing his bag and his jacket and practically sprinting to his car. Before he could even get the door unlocked his cell phone rang. 

"Jim?" He answered; hoping it was his sentinel. 

"I assume that the note of panic in your voice means that our favorite detective is not with you." Simon's rough growl was perhaps the last thing he wanted to hear right now. 

"No, Simon, he's not. He didn't come into the precinct today?" 

"Would I be calling you if he were here?" 

"I guess not," Blair said, sounding more worried now. Jim was supposed to work today, and if Simon was calling Blair to find out where the detective was, then he hadn't called in to say he wasn't coming either. 

"Well, are you going to tell me where he is, or am I supposed to guess. I'm warning you Sandburg, I don't like guessing games." 

"I assume he's still at the loft. That's where he was when I left. Didn't you try calling there?" 

"No one's answering," the Captain answered, sounding worried himself now. 

"I'm on my way there now to check on him. I'll call you when I get there." 

"You do that Sandburg. And while your at it, you can tell him that the next time he pulls a stunt like this it'll be me coming to drag his sorry ass into the office." 

And with that parting shot, the Captain hung up. Glaring at the phone, Blair threw himself into the car and tried not to break too many traffic laws getting to the loft. 

* * *

Jim knew he was supposed to be at work right now, but for the life of him, he couldn't bring himself to care one way or the other, which was odd because for as long as he could remember his job had been everything to him. Now, everything consisted of one shorter-than-average, curly-haired, neo-hippie anthropologist. Which was ironic because it seemed now that everything had slipped through his fingers even before it had realized it was caught. He couldn't bring himself to roll over in bed, much less answer the phone when Simon had called. He wondered if this was his punishment for wanting something he couldn't have. 

* * *

Bypassing the slow elevator in favor of vaulting up the stairs three at a time, Blair arrived, huffing and puffing outside of the loft. 

"Jim!" He called, not even bothering to take his keys out of the door or wait for an answer before sprinting up the stairs to his roommate's bedroom. 

The lump under the covers showed signs of life at least with the even rise and fall of respiration, but other than that, the form in the bed was completely still and silent. He tried for humor. 

"Man, Simon is gonna' kill you. You do know you're supposed to work today, don't you?" 

"Go away, Sandburg," the covers answered. 

The gruff response was not what he had expected. 

"Oh, come on, man. I came all the way back here just to check on you." 

"Why?" 

Blair opened his mouth to reply, but the strangeness of the question delayed his response. And then he knew the answer, the only answer that really mattered at this point. 

"Why not?" He sighed when there was no response. "For God's sakes, Jim. I don't care what happened last night, okay? That wasn't you. You're my friend, my best friend, and I was worried when Simon called and said he hadn't heard from you and you weren't answering the phone. What more of a reason do I need?" 

He paused, but still got no reply. 

"What, you want me to scream at you? You want me to call Simon and say; 'He's here, the guy tried to rape me last night. Evil Jim Ellison.' Well, you can just forget it, because you won't get rid of me that easily. We are going to talk about this, and we are going to work this out. Now if you don't get your ass out of that bed and downstairs in five minutes, I'm going to come and get you." 

"I'd like to see you try, Sandburg," the lump said, wiggling a little, stretching and coiling back up. 

Blair smiled. It was going to be okay. They would work it out. 

Exactly five minutes later, Jim slunk downstairs and hovered just outside the kitchen while Blair fixed tea and tomato soup; comfort food. 

* * *

The smaller man looked at the huddled form at the end of the couch. Jim looked like he had been the one that was assaulted. He sat curled in on himself, pressed as far back into the corner as he could get, cradling his bowl of soup in his lap. He refused to look at Blair. The guide sighed. 

"Jim, this isn't going to work if we can't connect here. Could you at least look at me?" He tried to make his voice as plaintive as possible, blatantly manipulating his sentinel. 

Slowly, Jim lifted his head, flinching as he met his friend's eyes as if he expected to see something horrible there. 

"It's okay, Jim," Blair said softly. 

The other man swallowed hard, but didn't look away. In fact, he didn't even blink. It was as if his gaze were locked onto his guide, like a drowning man holds a life preserver. But he couldn't bring himself to say anything. 

Blair thought for a minute about what he should say. He knew, deep down, that this conversation had to be handled very delicately. There was something very big going on here, something that had been going on almost since the day they had met. He did realize that he was closer to his roommate than any other person he had ever known. He knew that he loved Jim, but he wasn't quite sure what that meant. In an odd way, the events of last night had brought these feelings out even more. His thinking that morning had led him to some interesting conclusions. First he had evaluated his feelings about the assault, and found that he didn't blame Jim at all. Then he asked himself if he could stay with Jim after what had happened. No question. Of course he could. That only left how he did feel about his partner. The relationship that the two of them shared was certainly different, closer, because of the sentinel/guide dynamic, but he knew there was something else. Something that had kept them together through some of the worst experiences of their lives. And even though Blair was afraid to put a name to it, he knew that this something would draw them even closer together the longer they remained friends. And he also knew that it was imperative for Jim's survival that they did stay together. What he didn't know was that it was imperative for his survival as well. 

"Do you love me, Jim?" He could have sworn that was not what he was going to say. 

His words seemed to break Jim's trance. The other man made a choked, sobbing noise and buried his face in his hands, almost overturning his bowl of soup. Blair reached out and caught it without thinking, placing it carefully out of harms way on the coffee table. 

"Do you?" He pursued, somehow needing to hear Jim's answer. 

"Yes." He barely heard the other man's whisper, but at that one word, shaky though it was, the fragments of his world coalesced and he began to really breathe for the first time since the attack. Jim continued before he could pull himself together enough to talk. 

"God help me, Blair but I do. I tried not to, I really did. And after last night... God, I wouldn't blame you if you hated me, wanted to... to kill me..." 

"No, Jim," Blair said, interrupting the tide of remorseful words. "I could never hate you, much less want to harm you in any way. Just like you couldn't hate or harm me." 

"But I did," Jim's anguished cry brought his eyes up to meet Blair's again. The pain there was reflected in kind in his young friend's heart. 

Blair shook his head, fighting back tears at his sentinel's distress. 

"I told you, Jim, that wasn't you. I know it wasn't. Something happened last night to set it off, but... but when you were... were in my room, that wasn't you, man. You know, that's what scared me more than anything. The fact that when I looked into your eyes, you weren't there. It was like this primitive part of you had taken over and the rational, moral part of Jim Ellison no longer existed. That's what scared me, man. Not the fact that you wanted me, not the fact that... that you had your finger up my ass." 

His train of thought derailed at the words spoken out loud. He was aware that he was blushing furiously, but he couldn't take his eyes away from his friend. The connection was too vital to risk severing it now. The pause gave Jim room to voice his own thoughts. 

"But I... hurt you, Blair. I... I raped you," Jim said, the last words a harsh, grief-filled sob, accompanied by renewed tears. 

For a moment, the guide was confused. Had he forgotten something, blocked something out? No, he was sure he remembered everything that had happened. Then why did his friend think that he had raped him? Then he remembered Jim's frightened confused look as he had reached out to comfort his guide, his reaction as he had pulled away, and then the sentinel's look of remorse and guilt as he had rushed from the room. _Of course, you remember what went on in that room, but maybe Jim doesn't._ Blair almost grinned at the thought that he now had something to offer his friend, a hope that he could be redeemed, that he hadn't gone totally off the deep end. 

"No you didn't, Jim..." 

"I did, Blair. Maybe you don't remember. Maybe you blocked it out or something. God, that would be a blessing..." 

"Jim, listen to me." Blair placed his hand on his friend's knee to get his attention; he ignored the other man's flinch and resolutely kept the contact between them. "You did not rape me. I remember everything that happened last night, and believe me; it never went that far. I was able to stop you before it got that far. And when you realized what you'd done, you felt awful about it, right?" 

"Of course. I never want to hurt you." 

"Then we don't have anything to worry about," Blair said, smiling and squeezing Jim's knee. 

"What do you mean? It could happen again. I mean, who's to say that the next time you come home smelling..." Abruptly, Jim clamped his mouth shut, realizing that he'd already revealed too much. 

"Smelling like what, Jim? Is that what set you off, something about the way I smelled last night?" 

_This moment is important, Blair. You have to be careful. You have to hold it gently, with both hands._ The disjointed thoughts racing through Blair's head almost make him laugh. _My best friend is having the emotional crisis of the century and I'm turning into a poet. Great._ But at the same time, he realized that it was true. That nothing has ever been so true. _I'm at the edge of something deep._ But before he could figure out what his frantic psyche was trying to tell him, Jim made a noise like he couldn't quite breathe and Blair moved instinctively to comfort him, putting his arm on his sentinel's shoulder and silently congratulating them both when Jim didn't flinch away. 

"I can't...I don't know how...Blair?" Jim's voice rose in pitch until his name sounded like a plea and a prayer and a cry for help all at once. 

When Blair looked up at Jim's face he couldn't stop the sharp intake of breath that the expression there prompted. Jim looked as if his might shatter at any moment, as if he were hanging off that edge that Blair felt yawning beneath him and his guide was the only thing keeping him from falling to his death. _Oh, God. He's in love with me._ And Blair knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that the look in Jim's eyes had less to do with a fear for his own moral integrity, but a deeper, more primal fear. The fear of losing his mate, his guide. Blair's breath returned to him in little panicked bursts that he couldn't quite control, and he knew he was heading straight for a major anxiety attack. _You're okay. You're okay. You're okay._ He repeated the mantra until he was sure he wasn't going to drop Jim over that cliff, and when he felt like he could speak without bolting he continued. 

"It's okay, Jim. You don't have to say it. I know." But when Jim tried to interrupt, Blair placed a warm hand gently over his mouth. "I told you, it's okay. I don't know why I didn't figure this out earlier. Probably because I'm a clueless ass, but right now we need to focus on you." His weak attempt at humor fell flat on the distraught sentinel. "How long?" 

As if those two little words were a magic incantation, Jim took a deep breath and all the tension drained out of his body on the exhale. In its place was an expression of such love and longing that Blair felt out of his depth with the level of responsibility he was carrying. 

"A long time," Jim answered, shrugging almost guiltily. "Since the beginning, when you saved my life that first time." He resolutely kept his gaze on his young companion, almost daring him to pick up Jim's heart from the floor where he'd thrown it at Blair's feet. 

But Blair was just beginning to realize that the great chasm that he perched on, the same chasm that gaped and yawned hungrily under Jim was not of the sentinel's making. Maybe Jim's action's had brought them to this point, but it was Blair's reactions that held both of their lives in his hands. He had no doubt that if he refused his sentinel, Jim would go on. He would do his job, he would still let Blair live at the loft, and he would even still love Blair just as much as he did right at this moment. But the connection they shared; their bond formed by years of working together and playing together and just by the vary nature of what they were to each other, Sentinel and Guide would be broken. Jim would slip out of his grip and tumble into that chasm and there was no coming back from a soul-death like that. There would be no last minute rescue, no merging spirit animals to help them then. 

Before he could face his fear, Blair gave it a name. Love. The chasm they were poised above, that seemed so threatening, was in reality the most welcoming home, the softest touch, the most reverent ritual. And because he had never thought about jumping... _No._ He thought. _I've been too damn scared._ He had never considered that Jim might be willing to jump with him. 

"Say something, Chief. The suspense is killing me, here." 

Jim meant the light words to ease the tension, but to Blair they were the last push. The thought of destroying the fragile man beside him, the man who he could now admit that he loved, was so repulsive that even the small jest could never be tolerated. 

For once, the guide let his actions speak for him, instead of his words. He almost threw himself on his sentinel in an effort to crush him to death, wrapping his arms around the bigger man's neck and sobbing into the soft sweatshirt he wore. 

Jim was stunned at first. When he had finally admitted his love to his guide, he had expected shock, maybe even disgust, but not this inexplicable outburst of emotion. Reflex made him return Blair's embrace, reveling in the closeness of their bodies even as his mind chastised him for taking advantage. Suddenly nothing mattered any more. The past was the past, and the future be damned as long as Blair never moved from his arms. As long as he could keep his guide forever by his side for the rest of his life, he would be happy. 

Finally, Blair's sobs trickled down to occasional hiccups and he pulled away to snag the box of tissues on the coffee table. 

Jim waited patiently. 

"I got snot on your shirt," Blair's watery voice made him sound all of twelve years old. 

Jim couldn't help it, he started laughing so hard his sides hurt, and Blair joined in with his own hysterical giggles. Leave it to his partner to say just the right thing. When they recovered, they sat staring at each other for a few minutes before Jim spoke. 

"I think we needed to laugh." 

"I know," Blair said, and Jim nodded as if that was as it should be. 

"Look, Jim, I know you're still having issues about what happened last night." 

Jim started to interrupt, but Blair held up his hand. 

"No, listen. I think I know how we can move past that. Just hear me out. This is really weird for me man..." 

Jim tried once more to interrupt, but a perturbed look from Blair forestalled it. 

"Not a bad weird, a good weird. If that makes any sense." 

Jim smiled. 

"Yeah, I guess it would with us. Okay, first I have to tell you that I've never been with a man. Never really thought about it. Not that I'm a homophobe or anything, but I always had so many women around..." 

Jim glared and Blair tried to look guilty but couldn't quite pull it off. 

"Anyway... This is all moving really fast for me, man. I just want to be sure we get this right. I'm going to need a couple of days by myself to process this, okay?" 

Jim looked downright scared and his guide gave him a pleading look and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. 

"But when I get back, here's what we're going to do. I can tell you right now that I want to go forward with this, with us. But you're going to have to guide me here, okay? And I need you to be together for that so we can do it right. I know you've got experience with this, you never made it a secret that you liked guys too, but if you really want this to work you can't be feeling all guilty every time you want to have sex with me." 

Jim blushed. 

Blair smiled. 

"That's a good color for you, man," he said, giving Jim's shoulder a little squeeze. 

"So, while I'm gone, you're going to do some processing of your own. I want you to realize that I forgive you for anything and everything that happened, even though I don't think there's anything to forgive. So if you feel guilty now it's just you feeling sorry for yourself because I certainly don't blame you. Then, when I get back you're going to make love to me." 

Jim waited a few minutes to make sure Blair was finished, gathering his words together, trying to fit them against each other in a way that would be pleasing to his mate. 

"I was so scared that I'd fucked it all up, Blair. You can't know how... blessed I feel right now. I love you so much." 

Blair smiled, encouraging Jim to continue. 

"I want nothing more in the world than to make you happy for the rest of our lives, and if that means that I have to fight a few of my own demons then I guess I'll go to war. But I need to know, Blair, before you go, that this is going to be more than a one shot deal. You have to be able... to be sure that you can handle this. This isn't like changing your laundry detergent or the kind of shampoo you use. This is altering your whole self-image. I've had years to come to terms with my sexual orientation. I can't help feeling a little skeptical about someone as hetero as you suddenly deciding you want to shack up with your male roommate. You have to be able to say its forever, Blair. No going back." Jim shook his head solemnly. 

"That's fair," Blair answered. "And to be honest, this is scaring the shit out of me. But that's what this time apart is about. I need space to conquer my fear, just as you do to conquer yours. But after that, any demons that you need to fight, you can bet I'll be right there beside you, big guy. And I know you'll do the same for me." 

"Anything, Blair. I'd do anything for you." 

"I know," Blair said. 

Jim felt suddenly giddy. Like he'd been on death row for a crime he didn't commit and been pardoned at the last minute. He couldn't help the grin that spread across his face, bleeding over into his eyes. The one that was matched in emotion only by the equally stupid grin on Blair's face. The sentinel brought his hand up to capture the hand on his shoulder, lacing their fingers together. A physical symbol of their words of commitment. _I've just married my roommate._ Corny and idealistic maybe, but an honest thought nonetheless. Jim decided that he wouldn't tell Blair about it, just keep it to himself and let his friend figure it out on his own. 

"I know, Jim," Blair said, still grinning. "I know." 

_Of course Blair knows, he knows me better than I know myself._ And Jim was suddenly; intensely aware of just how much he needed his guide. Not just to preserve his sanity or to help him out on the job, but to complete him; to fill in the holes in the puzzle of him that had been lost or stolen or torn by others. And he was immediately aware that he was just as essential to his guide; to provide stability and unconditional love where Blair had rarely found it in the past. _It's going to be okay._ He though, and pulled his guide into his arms to show him just how right it was now. 

"I know," he whispered against his guide's ear when he felt the younger man melt into him. It felt good, for once, to be able to teach Blair something. 

* * *

**JOURNAL ENTRY**  
Aug. 13, 1998 

Blair left today. I decided to start this journal because I don't want to go to bed. I know it's stupid, I mean, Blair's never even slept in my bed. But still, the thought of spending one more night cold and alone in that big bed is not one that I relish. I miss him already. He promised he'd be back, but a part of me is afraid that he won't. I'm afraid he'll decide that he can't trust me after all and high tail it while he's got the chance. But despite his Gypsy upbringing, Blair is the last person to run from a commitment. That's my area. Running. 

I ran away from my father and my brother. I ran away from my first male lover because I was chicken-shit scared that someone would find out. I ran away from Carolyn because I figured out that I was just using our marriage to escape from all the other weird shit that was going on in my life. I know it sounds horrible, like I was using her, but really I loved her at the time. I just wanted something normal, something that wasn't distorted by social stigma like my bi-sexuality or my senses. But Blair... Blair has stuck with me from the very start. Even when I was being a total ass to him, he still refused to run, and more importantly, he wouldn't let me run either. 

So now I've finally got what I've wanted for the past four years. I love Blair and Blair finally knows it, and best of all, he says he loves me back. I consider this a miracle after the way I nearly ruined everything. After I nearly raped the man I love. I still don't completely understand how I could have done that. I mean, I'm a sentinel right? Aren't we supposed to protect our guides? I just thank God that he was able to stop me before it got that far. Yet another reason to make it my goal to make him happy for the rest of our lives. Blair takes entirely too much crap for my sake. I just pray that my love will be enough to ease the strain if not make up for it all together. 

Blair says I have to let go of the guilt over what happened. I know he doesn't blame me, and I can understand that intellectually, but that just makes me want to blame myself even more. Like I have to punish myself since he's not going to give me what I deserve. I guess I'm just fucked up. I could probably blame that on my Dad and my seriously unhappy childhood. But let's just deal with one issue at a time here. 

Letting go of guilt. God that's hard for me. Lord knows I've got enough for at least ten people. I've done things, horrible things, in my life that I'll never forgive myself for. I certainly don't need anything unnecessary to pile on top of all that shit. But I know that if I don't let this go then it will grow and become a wall between Blair and I, and right now I don't think I could survive the separation. So I'll just have to do it. I'll just have to find a way to forgive myself, for his sake. For the sake of this new love between us, so I don't kill it before it's even been born. Aborted love. What a horrible thought. I can do this, for Blair. 

* * *

**JOURNAL ENTRY**  
Aug 14, 1998 

I've been away from Jim for almost twenty-four hours, and I've spent exactly twenty-three of them fighting the urge to jump right back in the Volvo and go home. Funny how my own great ideas come back to bite me on the ass. For the last hour I've been thinking about exactly what it means to love Jim, to be in love with Jim. It's not so much the male/male thing that bothers me (although I'm pretty much terrified when I think about some of what that involves, but more on that later). It's more the fact that I've never done this before. I've never had a 'relationship'. I've had flings, one-night-stands, even a girlfriend or two, but never a relationship. The only person I've spent more time with than Jim is Naomi. And somehow I don't really count my Mom in the relationship tally. 

Unlike Jim, who is the definition of stability. Sure he's had some seriously disastrous involvements, but at no time when he was dating those women or married to Carolyn did he intentionally break up with them because he couldn't stand the thought of getting too close to somebody. It scares me to think I might disappoint him. That one day I might wake up and say 'hey Jim, I know you love me and all, but this is all a little too heavy for me, ya' know'. In my heart I know I could never be that callous, especially with him. And I know that he'd never do anything to hurt me. 

Despite what happened the other night, I know that Jim would never intentionally cause me harm. He carries around a lot of guilt over the shit I've been through since I moved in with him, and it would take more energy than I have to convince him that it's unwarranted. Even then it probably wouldn't stick. I just hope that he's able to move past this because I'm dealing with enough issues without having to watch Jim punish himself for an incident he barely even remembers. 

Bottom line. Jim loves me and I love him. I know that this is going to be hard. I don't have any illusions about pursuing this type of relationship. I just hope I can stand up to the challenges that my love for Jim will prove strong enough to stand up to the world. Because I know that neither of us would survive being separated. I have to try; I have to do this. I have to be honest with myself and with my partner, my sentinel, my Jim, my love. 

* * *

**TWO DAYS LATER**

It took all the will power Blair had to stay away from Jim for three whole days. He drove home on that third evening; not even able to wait until the morning when it would have been safer to drive down the winding mountain roads. Jim would kill him, but he didn't care as long as he got to see his sentinel again soon. It was amazing how three little words could change your whole outlook on life. Before, the thought of going on an expedition for years at a time was a goal to be reached, a dream he wanted to make come true. But now, well... if he couldn't even leave Jim for three days then how was he supposed to go to some remote outpost in a faraway country for years at a time and leave his sentinel at home, miles separating the two of them. No way, not any more. Jim loved him and he loved Jim and just the thought of leaving him now for more than a few hours had Blair nearly frantic with anxiety. 

Jim wasn't much better off. The detective was glad that it was only Tuesday night and he still had five days of vacation left. He had come to terms finally with his guilt over attacking his partner, deciding he could put it aside for the sake of their love, and now all he wanted was Blair here, next to him, in his arms, in his bed. Right. Now! He growled in frustration as he paced in front of the balcony windows, the familiar and formerly soothing view of the water doing nothing to calm the agitated sentinel. The only thing keeping him from hunting his guide down being that he had no idea where the other man had gone. Blair hadn't even taken his cell phone, which had pissed Jim off to no end when he had noticed it sitting plugged into its charger on Blair's nightstand. So all he could do was wait and pace and get more and more worried and pissed at his... what should he call Blair now anyway? Partner was probably the most accurate description. He felt weird referring to the younger man as his 'boyfriend' and they weren't really 'lovers' yet, but they were more than 'best friends'. Partner, then. Jim was so preoccupied with his thoughts that he hadn't noticed that it was now full dark outside and he hadn't turned on any lights. He crossed the room to turn on a lamp and heard a familiar rumble turn onto their street. The smile that graced Jim's face at that moment could only be described as incandescent, but it was soon replaced with a scowl of worried aggravation when he noticed it was past eleven o' clock. 

He waited for Blair to come up and when the younger man reached the door of the loft he opened it before his guide had a chance to use the key. They stood looking at each other as if meeting for the first time. Blair was bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet, looking all of twelve years old and his smile definitely gave Jim's a run for its money. But despite all the warm, loving, welcoming phrasing swimming around in his brain, Blair's enthusiasm only served to aggravate the sentinel further. Did the kid have no concept of personal safety? So instead of pulling his partner into a warm embrace or kissing him senseless or murmuring words of love, what came out of his mouth was... 

"Sandburg, where the hell have you been? Do you know what time it is? What are you doing driving home in the middle of the night for Christ sakes?" 

To he utter astonishment, Blair began to laugh. So hard that he could barely stand, and he was leaning heavily on the frame of the open door. Then, as if suddenly realizing that he was chastising his roommate in the middle of the hallway, Jim reached out and yanked the hysterical man into the apartment. But Blair wouldn't stop laughing and even his worst glare didn't seem to discourage the kid's amusement. 

"What is wrong with you?" He asked, trying to sound disgusted but finding an edge of laughter in his own voice. Blair's happiness was contagious. 

"Man," Blair managed between trying to breathe and laugh at the same time, "the more things change..." But he couldn't continue, and now he was on the floor on his back rolling his head from side to side and clutching his stomach. 

"Oh, Jim man," he gasped, "could you help me out here, I can't breathe too good." Then he dissolved into another fit of laughter that actually sounded suspiciously like giggling. Jim found his resistance crumbling. What did he care where Blair had gone or when he'd decided to come home? Just so long as he stayed and didn't plan on leaving again any time soon. With that, he did what any normal, red-blooded American male would do when seeing the one person they desire most in the entire world rolling around on the floor at their feet. He threw himself on top of his lover, forcing the breathe out of Blair with an 'oomph' and kissed him senseless. 

Finally, when Blair's writhing registered as a struggle for oxygen, Jim pulled away to grin at his captive. 

"So, Chief, we gonna' do this thing or what?" Jim asked, stoking his guide's soft hair. 

"Uhhh," Blair replied intelligently. 

"That's what I thought," Jim said, and proceeded to steal what little breath Blair had managed to gain. 

* * *

Blair speechless was a sight to behold. The two men lay side by side, panting and groaning and trying to touch whatever part of each other they could reach. Jim couldn't remember the last time, hell he couldn't remember ever cumming in his pants just from kissing someone. He hadn't even gotten Blair's clothes off yet. 

"Sorry about that," he said, the instinctual need to apologize for premature ejaculation coming to the fore. 

"No problem," Blair said. "It happens to the best of us, man. And really, it's quite flattering that I can get you so worked up, you know?" 

"Yeah, I guess I do," Jim said, patting Blair's own suspiciously damp crotch. 

Whereupon they both collapsed into laughter once again. 

* * *

Finally, when the laughter subsided and a pleasant contentment settled over the pair they pealed themselves off of the hardwood floor and decided that it might be okay to cum in your pants, but it certainly fell into the moderately disgusting category. 

"Shower," they said at the same time. 

"Why don't you go first, Chief. I'm kinda' hungry. Think I'll make myself a sandwich," Jim said, looking down at the floor self-consciously. 

"Why don't we shower together and I'll fix you that sandwich when we're done," Blair countered, waggling his eyebrows. 

"I don't know, Blair. This is all going a little fast. I mean, we don't have to rush things." 

"What do you mean, it's going a little fast? I thought you were, like, desperate to get me in bed. Besides, from the way you've described it, you've been holding out for me for almost four years. I don't think we need to wait unless you want to. I mean, don't think that just because I've never done this before that I'm not as ready as you are." The last comment was punctuated by the younger man's gesture at his half-hard cock. 

Once again, his guide had read his mind. Jim's biggest fear was that he'd push Blair too hard into an intense physical relationship that the other man wasn't ready for. Especially after what had happened four nights ago. Jim didn't ever want to see that kind of fear in Blair's eyes again, especially if he had put it there. His guide's promise to fight his battles with him from now on sent a warmth through him that he couldn't help but share and he pulled his love into his arms, holding him tightly. Blair was already right there with him, slaying the demon of his doubt with expert skill and determination. 

"Uh, big guy... this is nice and everything, but I'd really like to get out of this mess," Blair said, gently easing out of his sentinel's arms. 

Jim blushed. 

"Sure. So," Jim said, suddenly nervous, "you still up for that shower?" 

"Definitely," Blair answered, taking his hand and leading him to the bathroom. 

* * *

Despite Blair's assurances that he was 'completely down' with the physical aspect the their new relationship, Jim couldn't help but be nervous when the prospect of getting naked with his guide was immanent. 

"Are you sure?" He asked for the eighth time since they entered the small room. 

"Geez, Jim! You're gonna' give me a complex! Just take your clothes off and get in the damn shower already." Blair glared at him, looking ridiculous standing there in his t-shirt and boxers, holding one sock in his hand. 

Jim swallowed hard. He couldn't believe this was actually happening. After all this time he was finally going to be granted one of his favorite fantasies. Blair naked and in his arms. Blair naked and in his arms in the shower. A wet naked Blair. Jim was stripped and in the shower before Blair could take his other sock off. 

"What's taking you so long, Sandburg? You need me to draw you a map?" He teased, poking his head around the curtain and talking over the rush of water. 

"Ha ha," Blair responded, peeling out of his sticky boxers and stepping in behind Jim. 

Jim turned so that the shower sprayed his back, sending only a fine mist to cover his guide. The miniscule drops landed and clung to the strands of Blair's hair. The sentinel was mesmerized by the effect, reaching our to stroke the soft strands, disappointed that when he touched the fragile drops they disappeared, leaving behind only moisture. Blair blushed self-consciously at the intense scrutiny, but he leaned into Jim's touch, closing his eyes, letting his older, more experienced partner take control. 

His younger partner seemed suddenly smaller, more fragile now. It seemed the emotional barriers had been weakened by their lack of clothing. Blair's bravado had disappeared in the wake of his inexperience and Jim could feel the heat pouring off his guide's face as he blushed hotly under his intense gaze. 

The sentinel was overcome with a sudden desire to hold his guide close to him; to finally feel the naked body against his own. He pulled Blair to him and held him under the warm spray, stroking his hair and murmuring soothing nonsense into the other man's neck where he had buried his face. 

Feeling Jim's naked hardness against him was much different than feeling it through four layers of cotton. A shiver ran down his spine that had nothing to do with arousal or temperature. Suddenly all he could think about was how Jim wanted to... to fuck him and he was sure that he wouldn't be able to give that to Jim. He felt his muscles tightening at the very thought of trying to take something that big into his body. But then he realized his fear had more to do with the emotional connection that would be formed with that act than the act itself. He knew his sentinel would never hurt him, even after feeling the bigger man's undisputed ability to do just that. But his old fear of emotional commitment was prompting him to doubt the stability of this relationship. He didn't think he could let Jim have that kind of trust if he couldn't be absolutely sure that it... they would last. 

"I'm scared," Blair whispered into his sentinel's hard shoulder. 

Jim squeezed him silently. Offering the strength of his reassurance the best way he knew how. The older man knew exactly how his partner was feeling. He had felt it himself years ago when he had given himself to his first real lover. He had been eighteen at the time, the same age as Josh except that the other boy had been more experienced. The fear he recalled made it that much easier to make sure they took this slowly and let Blair have time to work through issues that had taken him years to figure out. 

"Let's get cleaned up," Jim said, releasing his lover, "we don't have to do anything right now. I'd like to make it all the way to the bed this time, Darwin." He winked at Blair who blushed predictably and they each finished their shower in relative silence. Jim watched Blair wash his hair, fingers aching to feel the soapy strands tangled around them and he had to leave his lover to finish alone before his desire overcame his significant self-discipline. 

* * *

Blair spent more time in the shower than he really needed. He wanted to get hold of his emotions; to have time to analyze why he was freaking now after he had been so damn calm about the whole thing before. He knew he loved Jim, was in love with Jim. That wasn't the problem. Something one of his old girlfriends had told him once came back to him suddenly, sending a wave of self-disgust through him. _'Where you're concerned, Blair, you might as well hang a sign around your neck that says 'I am emotionally unavailable'. Trying to get close to you is like trying to play twister with a porcupine.'_ Emotionally unavailable. He had laughed it off at the time, but now he knew that it was true. All his life he had prided himself on being sensitive and caring, and he had suffered for it. He had been called all sorts of horrible names throughout his youth just because he preferred more intellectual pursuits than his other peers. But even though he was supposed to be Mr. Sensitive, he wasn't all that sensitive when it came to himself. Sure, he could walk into a room and dialogue everyone's emotional state. He could give advice and comfort and sympathy, but when it came to knowing himself, letting himself be vulnerable to the people he tried to help. He could count the number of people he had allowed that close on one hand. And that included his mother. 

He laughed a little bitterly at himself. He was freaking now because Jim wasn't. When Jim was having his little breakdown Blair had been calm and collected and fucking helpful. Then when they finally got things straight and he had made the big admission, he'd had to run off into the woods to 'process'. Bullshit. He had been scared out of his mind, that's all. The only reason he needed time away from Jim was so he could reconstruct all those emotional barriers that he had let slide when he had felt Jim's need for him to be honest for once in his miserable life. 

"Hey Chief, you didn't go down the drain, did ya'?" 

Jim's voice sent a wave of panic through him. He felt his heart racing and his breathing pick up and he knew he had to get it under control before Jim noticed or... 

"Is everything okay, Blair?" Jim's voice came from directly behind the curtain. He hadn't even heard the door open. 

"Shit! Could you give me a minute, Jim?" 

"Sure. Sure, Chief. Didn't mean to barge in like that. I just..." 

"It's okay, Jim. I'll be alright." 

Blair felt guilty that he'd snapped at his friend. It wasn't Jim's fault that he had issues. The older man was just doing what he always did; playing the blessed protector. He listened until he heard the door shut again and then he turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a big fluffy towel around his hair so he could dry off. Looking around the room he noticed that Jim must have taken their dirty clothes out when he left, but he hadn't left anything for Blair to put on. Frowning, he turned in a circle just to make sure there was no mistaking the fact that he would have to walk from the bathroom to his room in only a towel... 

_Wait a minute. What is your problem, man? It's not like you've never walked around in a towel before in front of Jim... Just cause he's lusted after you for years... Okay, maybe it is a little different, but jeez, when have you ever been shy?_

"You coming out, chief, or should I just go to bed?" 

The question was phrased to sound deliberately calm and casual, almost joking. But Blair could hear the note of defeat and disappointment in those carefully chosen words. He knew he couldn't tease Jim like this. It would be horribly tacky, not to mention dishonest, since he really did want to make love with Jim. It was just that this was all so damn confusing. Just four days ago he'd been completely straight, or so he had thought. And now... Well, now he just wasn't. There was no other way to say it. Now he was gay. Because he knew that there was no one else out there for him. He would be with Jim for the rest of his life. Now he would have to face taunting and ridicule and all kinds of shit in addition to what he normally faced because of how he looked and the fact that he dealt with criminals on an almost full-time basis. 

Usually, when he had to make a major decision like this he'd sit down and compose a list of pros and cons, then decide if he could live with the cons. But this was a whole different ballgame, so to speak. This time love was over there on the pros list and that pretty much negated all the cons he could think of. He'd just have to suck it up... Blair groaned loudly at his unintended pun, then giggled as he thought about doing just that or, better yet, having it done to him. 

"You okay, Blair?" 

Right outside the door again. At least this time he hadn't come in. _That's probably because you were so happy to see him the last time. Oh, shut up._ Thus ridding himself of the nagging voice in his head, he wrapped his towel securely around his waist and gripped it firmly with his left hand. 

When the door opened he couldn't help but laugh at Jim. The man was leaning casually against the far wall, wrapped in his big fluffy robe, trying to look as if he wasn't worried beyond belief. 

"What?" Jim asked, now scowling in earnest since he knew his Guide was okay. 

"Nothing," Blair said and breezed past him on his way to his room. 

Jim enjoyed the view immensely. As he followed his partner down the hall and stood in the doorway, waiting impatiently until he could take his Guide to bed. 

"You sure you don't just want to come on up. I mean, I didn't think we'd be..." Abruptly, he stopped, very aware of the fact that he'd insisted to himself that they would take this at Blair's pace. He couldn't vary well insist the man come naked to bed if he didn't want to. Although it disappointed him somewhat, he had to remember that Blair wasn't only a virgin, but that he hadn't, up until now, even desired another man according to him. Jim had his doubts of course. A man didn't just up and decide he was in love with another man if he didn't have... tendencies. 

"Um, Jim?" 

"Hmm?" He hadn't really been paying attention, but when he looked at his Guide, he realized the man hadn't moved from his position perched on the edge of his mattress. 

"Do you mind?" 

Jim smiled a little and shrugged, blushing guiltily, as he thought, _hell no, I don't mind, go ahead and strip, Chief._ But that wouldn't do at all. He turned silently and went to sit on the couch, waiting for his love. 

"Thanks, Jim," floated out to him in his Guides soft tones and he relaxed. 

* * *

Jim allowed his body to melt into the soft couch cushions. He closed his eyes and shamelessly listened in on his Guide. He could hear the slide of cloth on skin and the then his Guide's feet padding on the wood floor and back to the bathroom where he hung his towels neatly over the towel rack and ran a brush through his unruly curls. The big detective smiled and let his arousal swirl to the surface in his mind. If he let himself he was sure he could get hard just listening to Blair. _It certainly wouldn't be the first time._ This thought made his grin turn somewhat predatory as he thought about how from now on he would have every right to his once illicit fantasies. It made him growl low in his throat to think about his Guide in his bed, in his heart, for the rest of their lives. 

"Jim, you okay, man?" 

The nervousness in the voice brought Jim back to reality. He opened his eyes and looked at Blair, now standing in front of him wearing boxers and a T-shirt. Jim could feel his groin tighten and willed himself to calm down. He certainly would regret it if he scared the younger man away now. 

"I'm fine, Chief. Just fine." 

Blair blushed under Jim's hot gaze and shifted his weight awkwardly. 

"Are we, um, are we going upstairs now?" 

Jim smiled and heaved himself up off of the couch. He almost couldn't believe this was happening. For a minute he just stood looking at his Guide. The color continued to rise in Blair's cheeks and Jim thought the other man looked inordinately cute when he blushed. 

"Are you ready to go upstairs?" 

Blair nodded silently, eyes widening at the prospect of impending intimacy. 

Jim smiled softly and reached out to grasp the younger man's cold hand in one of his. 

"Nervous?" 

"Hell yeah," Blair said, almost too loudly and with a self-conscious chuckle. "I've never..." 

"I know," Jim said. "It's okay. I can Guide you this time. That ought to be interesting." 

"Oh God, I might not survive." 

"Hey!" Jim said, smacking Blair on the butt as he walked up the stairs ahead of his Sentinel. 

"Let's hope you guide better than you drive." Before Jim could get another swat in, the smaller man sprinted up the stairs. 

Jim followed slowly. He couldn't seem to get the goofy smile off his face. Even Blair's jibe at his driving didn't annoy him as much as it usually did. When he reached the top of the stairs he stopped. Blair was facing away from him, not more than five or six feet in front, staring at the bed as if it was a dangerous suspect. Jim's stomach did a slow roll and his smile faded. _Oh please don't let him be having second thoughts now. I don't think I could handle it._ His thoughts made his throat tighten and he waited impatiently for Blair to say something. 

"It doesn't seem quite real, does it?" The Guide asked, reaching out to run one hand over the soft comforter. He looked back at Jim and smiled shyly. 

"I can hardly believe it myself, Chief. This is already so much better than any of my fantasies." Jim immediately blushed at his words, but found that although he sounded awkward to his own ears, he'd say anything to get Blair to look at him like he was doing now. 

"You've had fantasies about me?" The younger man asked, a look of wonder and awe on his face that made Jim wonder immediately who had dared to hurt his Guide: to make him think he wasn't worth fantasizing about. 

"Oh yeah," he answered, "almost every night for the past four years." Again the blush. Jim couldn't remember blushing this much even during his first time. 

"I..." Blair started, but turned away from Jim and hung his head. 

Jim could see the bright red color creeping up the back of his partner's neck and he could feel the heat radiating off of his Guide. He waited for Blair to finish. 

Finally the younger man turned back, blush still firmly in place. "Never mind," he said, and turned fully around this time, holding his arms out, inviting Jim in. 

Jim stepped into the embrace as naturally as breathing. He enveloped the smaller man and held him tightly to his chest. Everything about him, his scent, the feel of his firm body, the tangled soft strands of his hair, spoke to Jim of forever. 

"No, I want to know what you were going to say," he said, squeezing his partner a little to reassure him, his voice impossibly soft in the large loft bedroom. For a moment he thought that Blair hadn't heard, but the incremental increase in heat told him otherwise. 

"Just... well... I... I've had fantasies about you too." The minute the words were out Blair buried his face in Jim's chest and started shaking. For a second Jim was worried that the younger man was crying, or worse having some sort of panic attack. But he didn't smell fear or saline so he knew it wasn't either of those things. 

"Really?" Jim asked, rubbing his friend's back, trying to come up with something that would comfort him. He felt Blair's head nod against him. Jim had to blink back tears. This was almost to the point of absurd. He tilted Blair's face up so that he could look into his partner's blue eyes. 

"I'm glad," Jim said, and was delighted to see Blair smile and feel the shaking all but stop. "I can't believe you want me." He continued, feeling that now more than ever he needed to be vulnerable with someone - with his lover. 

"Oh, come on man, who wouldn't want you?" Blair asked, looking up at his lover and smiling. "You're like the epitome of manhood here. I mean, look at you!" The smaller man backed out of Jim's embrace and gestured to his friend's body. 

The abrupt change in mood brought a smile to Jim's face, and for the first time this evening he felt confident that it was going to be all right. It seemed their little confessional had broken the ice. Now all that remained was for them to take that final step. The joy he felt at this revelation left him almost breathless with excitement. Before he could stop himself he had swept his partner up in a crushing embrace, swinging him around once and then finally depositing him on the bed with a bounce. Blair looked up at him with no small amount of surprise, but there was definitely delight in his expression and no trace of fear. Jim smiled and shifted his weight self-consciously. He wanted to pounce on his Guide, to love him into unconsciousness, but he felt this might be too much for the other man. He wanted to be aggressive, but at the same time he didn't want Blair to feel threatened or pressured into anything. 

"I think this would work better if we were both on the bed, man," Blair said, patting the space beside him and winking. 

Jim nodded and crawled up beside his lover, sitting down on one hip and leaning on his hand so that he could reach up and card his fingers through Blair's slightly damp curls. 

Blair reached up slowly and laid his hand on Jim's cheek. Jim leaned into the touch and sighed, smiling blissfully. 

The detective's eyes snapped open at Blair's stifled laugh. 

"What?" He asked a little irritably. 

"Nothing. It's just you had this look on your face. I swear I have never seen you look so..." 

Jim grinned. "Excited. Happy. Turned on. In love." 

"Um. Yeah." Blair's answer was a whisper, chocked with emotion. 

"Come here," Jim said, curling his hand around the back of Blair's neck and pulling him forward so their lips touched. 

The kiss started slowly, Jim letting Blair set the pace and explore. At first the other man was a little stiff, but it didn't take long before he was parting his lips with a little groan of surrender his tongue flicking out to touch his Sentinel's lips, asking for entry. Jim was more than happy to oblige and when his tongue met Blair's, the groan the emerged made them both open their eyes in surprise. The taste of his Guide exploded in his mouth, better than anything he'd ever experienced. He couldn't get enough of the younger man. Soon, he had his partner pinned beneath him on the bed, their mouths playing against one another, tongues moving in and out. He was so hard it hurt, and he could tell that Blair wasn't much better off. He felt Blair slowing down a little until finally he pulled away and looked up. 

"That was amazing," he said, stroking his Sentinel's hair. 

"Wait till we actually get to the sex part," Jim answered, waggling his eyebrows and licking his lips lasciviously. 

Blair made a sound that was suspiciously like giggling. 

Jim's eyes widened mischievously. 

Blair tried to distract him with more kissing but the Sentinel wasn't having any of that. 

"Did you just giggle, Chief?" 

"No, that was... a hiccup," Blair said. 

"Riiiight." 

"It was." 

"Uh huh." 

"Jim?" 

"Yes, my love?" 

"What are you doing?" 

Blair's body stiffened only moment before his Sentinel's sensitive fingers descended on his rib cage. There was no escape for the poor anthropologist as the detective tickled him to within an inch of his life, or at least his bladder control. 

"Jim...stop! Jim!" Blair's desperate shouts only encouraged Jim's torturous activities. "Come on, man, I'm going to pee all over you if you don't quit it." 

"Ewe," Jim said, stopping abruptly and rolling off of his Guide to lay beside him. 

"Ha! I Gotcha now!" Blair said, and before Jim knew it he had his hands busy trying to keep Blair from taking his tickle revenge. 

Sometime during the battle clothing was removed and erections that had flagged but not failed were revived through friction and adrenaline. Tickling turned into groping, which turned into rubbing and soon the passion was back in full force for both men. Jim threw his head back as Blair latched onto his throat, working on a passion mark that would probably last for days. 

"Oh God, Blair. I want you in me." The last words were almost totally obscured by the Sentinel's desperate moans, but the Guide heard. He lifted his head, staring down at Jim who was gazing at him with dilated eyes, his breath coming out in pants, hips jerking involuntarily beneath him. 

"You..." Blair couldn't quite grasp what his lover was asking, couldn't get his mind around the picture of himself, balls-deep in his Sentinel. He felt his heart rate thundering in his chest at the thought. 

"I want you to fuck me, Sandburg. Is that clear enough for you?" Jim asked, taking his partner's mouth in a bruising kiss. 

When they parted Blair's smile was hungry. The younger man nodded silently, too overwhelmed for words. 

They kissed again, gentler this time, and Jim pushed Blair away enough to be able to turn over underneath him. He grabbed a pillow and stuffed in under his hips, arranging his erection so that he was comfortable. Blair knelt over his best friend, his Sentinel, his lover and watched as the older man surrendered himself. He clenched his hands into fists to try and stop their shaking. 

"I've never..." 

"I know. It'll be all right. Just do as I say." 

"I don't want to hurt you." 

"You won't hurt me, Blair." Jim turned his head to look at his lover over his shoulder. "I'm not a virgin. I wish I could give you that gift, but I can't. I think it would be pretty callous of me to expect you to roll over for your first time. At least this way we're both assured a pretty painless experience." The older man's grin put his fears to rest and Blair smiled back. 

"Do you have..." 

"In the nightstand." 

Blair reached over and opened the drawer. His eyes widened at the contents. Not only did he find the lube and condoms, but he also discovered that his roommate had a selection of dildos and other sex toys that almost filled the drawer. 

"Wow," he said. 

"Not now, Sandburg," Jim said, interrupting what would surely have been an excruciating question and answer session. 

"Right, not now," Blair said, shutting the drawer almost regretfully. 

The younger man picked up the tube of lubricant, squirting a little onto his fingers. He rubbed it around, warming it and getting used to the feel of the slippery stuff between his fingers. 

"This stuff is kinda gross," he said, almost clinically examining its texture and viscosity. 

Jim's impatient groan brought him back to the moment. 

"Sorry, big guy. I'm just a little nervous." 

"Don't be." Jim turned over again and sat up, looking into his partner's eyes as the other man straddled his lap. "This is already so much more than I've ever hoped for, Blair. There is nothing you could possibly do to screw it up, okay? Just go as slow as you need to and everything will be wonderful. Okay?" 

Blair nodded, smiling a little at his lover. 

"Good, now just go one finger at a time and I'll let you know when I'm ready." He patted the younger man's cheek and turned over again. 

By this time, Blair's fingers had taken on a rather unpleasant sticky texture, so he wiped them off on the edge of the sheet. But before he went right for the lube again he figured he ought to get acquainted with his lover's body a little better. Started at the bigger man's neck, he spent almost an hour kissing, licking and fondling the other man's body until his Sentinel was begging incoherently and thrashing against the bed. Then he sat for a few minutes, straddling Jim's thighs and let the other man cool down a bit while he worked himself up to the main event. 

Finally, he reached down and placed his hands on Jim's butt, one on each cheek. He felt the strong muscles jump at his touch and heard his partner's sharp intake of breath. 

"Please," Jim begged, wiggling his hips invitingly. 

"Just getting the lay of the land, big guy, we'll get there," Blair said, stoking the soft, downy skin. 

"You said that an hour ago! Please..." 

The whiny quality of Jim's voice brought a snickering response from his lover. 

"Just remember, Sandburg, payback's a bitch," Jim grumbled. 

"I don't think I like you calling me Sandburg in bed," Blair teased, parting Jim's buttocks and gazing down at the tiny hole there. He couldn't imagine how he was going to get his cock in there. He shook his head in wonder and stroked the little bud with the tip of one finger. The answering groan made his cock throb. 

"I'll be calling you a lot worse than that if you don't stop fucking around back there." 

"I thought you wanted me to fuck around back here," Blair said, trying to sound as confused as possible. 

"I swear to God, Sandburg, if you don't fuck me soon, I'm going to..." 

"What?" Blair leaned down, letting the warm breath of the word caress his Sentinel's sensitive ear. He felt Jim's breathing stop for a moment before it resumed in several shaky exhalations. 

He made a point of dragging his hair along his partner's back as he sat up. This produced a series of shivers that vibrated the entire bed. Blair smiled evilly. 

Parting Jim's buttocks again, Blair bent down and blew a thin stream of air over his partner's opening. He could see goosebumps rising on the older man's cheeks and did it again, earning a very satisfying groan from Jim. He really wanted to experiment further, but decided that he should probably have mercy on his poor Sentinel. He retrieved the lube from where it had fallen onto the floor beside the bed. Squirting some onto his fingers, he let it warm there for a bit before parting Jim's cheeks with one hand and lowering his greasy digits to the older man's entrance. Jim's loud sigh of contentment made him smile when his fingers finally made contact with the Sentinel's skin. Jim tried to press back onto his finger but he wouldn't allow it. He held his hand study, just touching the outer ring, until his partner stilled, growling a warning and glaring at him over his shoulder. He smiled saucily at his lover and locked eyes with him as he finally pressed into Jim's hot center. Blair watched in amazement and pleasure as Jim's eyes drifted shut and his head dropped down onto the bed. All Blair could hear was the loud beating of his own heart warring with their labored breaths. He was so in awe with the feeling of his finger in Jim's ass that he could do nothing but stare at where their bodies were joined. 

"You okay, Chief?" Jim asked, turning to look at his Guide. The sight that greeted him made his cock jump with desire. There behind him, crouching between his wantonly spread thighs, was the most beautiful man it had ever been James Ellison's pleasure to know. He watched for a few seconds as Blair stared at where his finger disappeared into his body before gently pushing his hips back, whimpering softly at the pleasure of feeling his beloved's finger move inside of his sensitive opening, stroking the nerves enticingly. 

Blair's head snapped up as if just remembering that the ass he was fondling was indeed attached to a body. Their eyes met and a fire ignited between them that had them both panting harshly. Neither man could look away as Blair began to pump his finger in and out of his Sentinel, each stroke driving both of them higher. 

"More Blair," Jim whispered, not wanting to break his partner's rhythm. 

Blair nodded and pulled his finger out to get more lube. 

Jim put his head back down on the bed and tried to cool himself down a little. He wanted to cum with Blair inside of him, and at this rate that might be a while yet. 

Two fingers returned, and by this time Jim felt ready to swallow Blair's whole fist. Maybe next time, he thought to himself as he moved easily with his lover's pumping hand. Three fingers now. Jim couldn't stifle the loud groan that erupted when Blair accidentally found his prostate. In his excitement, he'd forgotten to tell Blair about the magic little gland. _It's not just for physicals anymore._ The stray thought almost brought on hysterical laughter, but Jim realized that Blair had stopped moving. He looked back worriedly to find Blair gazing down at his ass with a worried expression on his face, his lower lip caught between his teeth. 

"What's wrong?" He asked, fearing the answer, but needing to know. 

"I didn't hurt you, did I?" Blair looked up and the expression of anxiety in his eyes confused the hell out of the Sentinel. 

"No, Blair. It feels great," he answered, and pushed back a little, hoping to get the rhythm going again. 

"You made a noise like you were in pain," Blair elaborated, moving to pull his fingers out of his lover. 

"Don't you dare," Jim said in a low, threatening voice. 

Their eyes locked again and Jim took a couple of deep breaths. 

"I promise you. I was not in pain." Jim sighed heavily; his brain almost refusing to function with the amount of sexual frustration he was experiencing. "Will you do something for me?" 

Blair nodded. 

"Turn you hand a bit." Jim waited for Blair to comply. "Great. Now press down." 

Blair did and Jim hissed loudly when the younger man once again massaged his prostate. 

"That's your prostate, Jim," Blair said, as if Jim was an exceedingly dim child. 

"You bet your ass it is," Jim wheezed, and then broke down into frustrated hysterical laughter at his own bad pun. 

The startled 'oh' behind him nearly sent him over the edge into all out dementia. He was definitely going to enjoy teaching Blair about the joys of gay sex. But for now all he wanted was Blair's cock, inside of him, preferably five minutes ago. 

"Fuck me, Blair," he managed, nearly screaming at his partner. 

He felt Blair remove his fingers, and groaned at the empty feeling. He'd never experienced that before. He honestly thought it was something invented by novelists and hopeless romantics, but he truly felt abandoned without the intimate connection to his lover. Before he could truly contemplate this though, he felt Blair press his leaking erection against his opening. _Finally!_ Jim nearly cheered with joy as he felt his partner press into him. Suddenly he was struck by the need to see Blair's face as he took him for the first time. He craned his head around and watched Blair's eyes slip shut, his breath hissing through clenched teeth, as he worked his thick cock into Jim's tight ass. Jim barely felt the burn of his lover's entry, too distracted by the ecstasy he could see in his lover's face. He watched Blair's cock disappear inside him and noted that his smaller partner was sure hung for a little guy. They were about the same length, but Blair was almost half an inch thicker than he was. Damn, he was a lucky guy. He felt Blair come to rest against his ass and the younger man's eyes opened slowly as he groaned his pleasure at their completed connection. 

"Jim," he whispered, awe struck with feeling. 

Jim could only nod. His eyes speaking what his heart couldn't voice. He let his body go limp beneath his lover, inviting the other man to take his pleasure. Jim watched the fire blaze in his Guide's eyes as the younger man withdrew and stroked gently into his Sentinel for the first time. The older man's eyes drifted shut and his head dropped down in relief. 

Blair was trying desperately to control himself. Jim's body was like a vise around him. He'd never felt anything like it. No woman he'd ever had sex with had been this tight. He was sure he'd cum too soon and ruin everything. But after a few minutes, he felt his partner's muscles relax a bit around his cock and he began to pump faster, no longer unsure about his failing stamina. He'd often had women praise him for his endurance and he intended to show Jim that he could make up what he lacked in experience with an abundance of staying power. 

For his part, Jim was nearly unconscious with lust. The Sentinel wanted it hard, and his Guide was simply not cooperating. With a lunge that threatened to unseat his younger partner who was concentrating intently, he moved up to his knees, resting his head on his crossed arms. Blair's hands gripped his hips in order to keep their connection and he stilled for a few seconds, adjusting to the new position before beginning again at the same slow, steady pace. Groaning loudly, Jim began meeting his thrusts, trying to urge his Guide to go faster, harder. But apparently Blair wasn't paying attention. 

"Blair," Jim's groan made Blair falter a bit in his rhythm. "Please, Blair. Harder." 

"Oh, God Jim." The strained order almost short-circuited what was left of Blair's brain. He absolutely loved it when his lover's talked to him in bed. Ironically, he tended to be a quiet lover, intent on concentrating on his partner's pleasure. And it helped him to have a partner who was willing to give him a little verbal encouragement and direction. He began to pick up on Jim's rhythm, plunging harder and harder into his Sentinel, sweat dripping down his back, running in tiny rivulets into the crack of his ass, sending goosebumps up and down his back and thighs. 

"Oh yeah," Jim sighed, "just like that lover. Lean forward a bit." 

Unconsciously, Blair followed his partner's order. The change in angle caused the head of Blair's cock to rub against Jim's prostate on every pass in and out, making the older man groan and cry out to the rhythm of their love making. His cries inflamed the Guide's desire and Blair began to pound his Sentinel in earnest. 

"Oh fuck yeah!" Jim yelled, pushing himself up on his hands and grabbing the rail at the head of the bed. "Give it to me, Blair. I won't break, damn it. I've waited long enough for this. Fuck me harder." The voice was almost jubilant. Jim could feel the endorphins singing in his blood as Blair slammed into him over and over. He could feel the younger man's balls slapping his ass and hear his grunts of effort, feel the thick cock moving in and out and the deep burn of penetration in his ass that hadn't been fucked since before they'd met. 

"Almost there, almost there, almost there," Blair was chanting with every thrust. And Jim responded. 

"Fuck yeah, fuck yeah, fuck yeah!" 

Until they were both yelling incoherently and the bed was shaking, almost scooting across the floor with the force of their union. 

"Blair!" Jim's scream sounded almost animal like. 

The younger man felt Jim's muscles clamp down on him and his eyes nearly bulged out of his head. He felt himself gasping for air as if Jim's ass were strangling him. 

Jim felt himself cum. The thought of cumming on just Blair's cock sending shock waves up and down his spine. He nearly passed out from the intensity of the orgasm. 

After Jim's muscles loosened, Blair started pounding into his Sentinel again, driving forward to his own release. 

The Sentinel's arms shook from trying to hold himself up for his Guide to finish, but it didn't feel like Blair was going to cum any time soon. But just before he felt himself ready to collapse with exhaustion, he heard Blair give a strangled scream from behind him, his hips spasming with his release deep inside the bowels of his Sentinel. 

When Jim finally felt his Guide relax, he gently lowered them both to the bed, enjoying the feel of a panting Blair resting all of his wait on his back, feeling his smaller partner's cock soften gradually inside him. Minutes later, the clammy stickiness of the wet spot prompted Jim to roll them both over so that he could clean himself off with a discarded shirt. But when Blair moved to disengage himself from his Sentinel, Jim grasped the younger man's arm and pulled it tight around his chest, kissing the palm of his hand tenderly before cradling it next to his heart. He couldn't bear to lose this connection just yet. 

Blair sighed happily in agreement and they drifted off to sleep, their sweat cooling and mingling between them, each happy in their newfound love. 

* * *

End True Care, Truth Brings by Carin the Rottie: mmcmilla@trinity.edu

Author and story notes above.

  
Disclaimer: _The Sentinel_ is owned etc. by Pet Fly, Inc. These pages and the stories on them are not meant to infringe on, nor are they endorsed by, Pet Fly, Inc. and Paramount. 


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